# 165 I Sit Back On My Chair

Sometimes I feel I'm not myself,
I dont want to be "me" anymore.
I want to go somewhere far away,
Where I wouldn't know anybody,
And nobody would know who I am.

I wanna go far away from all relationships,
I wanna go away from all hardships,
I am not scared,
I dont want to run away.
I just want to walk out of the game,

But then I see my life is so so long,
And I haven't yet seen most of it..
And I sit back on my chair, thinking
Once again, where I am, why I am...
But mostly wondering who I am.

# 164 When I say nothing at all...

I wish I knew who I am, where I am and why I am! I wish I knew the answers to the questions you asked me, to the questions I ask myself.

There comes a time when nothing goes right. From the moment you wake up in the morning, till the moment you finally go into deep sleep. Even after that things may go wrong. Dreams may ruin even the most peaceful of the moments. I hope my dreams never come true. Never! Ever! Cos I've seen amongst the worst dreams anybody could ever see. I hope you don't see the dreams I have seen. I've seen nightmares in the day. I've seen bad dreams while fully awake. I don't know if they were dreams or if they really happened. I just don't want to believe them.

What is it that one feels when one is lost? What happens when one can't feel the presence of anyone around him even after being physically there? What is it that happens when you are looking at a person you know very dearly but you don't know who it is? Or if you are looking at a thing you've seen everyday of your life but you still can't make out what you are looking at?

If drops of tears just start rolling of your cheeks like the drops of dew that roll down the leaves and petals, even when you are silent and everything around you is silent, what does it mean? If something has such an impact on you that you cant even utter a word, what would you do? If you feel so heavy that you can't even move your foot one foot ahead, how would you go? If you cant even stand up after you've sat down, and everyone around you has got up and left, how would you move? When your eyes are filled with salt water, how would you even see what is in front of you? When your gut has filled with emotions how would even a word come out of it? How?

How long will I stay alone? If I have to stay alone, I'd rather do that without anybody that I already know. Let me go to places you have not seen. Let me be with people whom you would never see. Let me eat and drink what they do. Let me be a peasant. Let me be a shepherd. Let me be...

I don't need someone to laugh and cry with, I need a companion. I need a friend.